Welcome to Dalando'sPersonal Diet Dairy
The purpose of these reflections is the author's attempt to understand and deal with the mechanisms of his own despair.
While dieting is the stated objective, like all personal quests, each aspect of life is integral to the goal.
This will be tedious reading for anyone but the most dedicated explorers of the human psyche.
Kilogram to Pound Conversion
80 ------ 176.2
82.5 ---- 181.7
85 ------ 187.2
87.5 ---- 192.7
90 ------ 198.2
|
92.5 --- 203.7
95 ----- 209.2
97.5 --- 214.7
100 ---- 220.2
102.5 -- 225.7
|
105 ----- 231.2
107.5 --- 236.7
110 ----- 242.5
112.5 --- 248
115 ----- 253.5
|
117.5 --- 259
120 ----- 264.5
122.5 --- 270
125 ----- 275.5
127.5 --- 281
|
8/13/2002
117 kg
These are easier times for me simply because I have been on break from work. I can watch how my first semi-conscious instinct when things go wrong is to point blame away from myself. I find my mind often seeking someone or something to blame. Because I am not in the heat of my daily activities now, I can catch the urge and redirect it to reflective analysis. By interrupting my habitual shift of blame, I am granted an opportunity to take responsibility for my actions and, more importantly, forgive myself for my humanness. I blame others for my own errors or short comings because I am insecure, but my fear of being scolded and punished is irrational. No one really cares about my human frailties. It is this silly anxiety, the left over vulnerability of my childhood, that initiates defensive behavior. I am by no means a small defenceless child anymore, and frankly no one cares what the hell I do with my life.
Food addiction, where I use eating to distract me from a bubbling anxiety about every stupid little thing, is a ridiculously tedious affair to overcome. The Tibetan Buddhist view on such matters is interesting though. For example, when someone is angry, our usual reaction would be to be angry back. This of course will create a perpetual relationship with this person. To eliminate the bad karma which created this challenge is to face those qualities in ourselves that perpetuate negative characteristics in others. In their view, once we have stopped being angry at others the issue of their being angry will disappear. The only way to rid myself of angry people is to stop getting angry myself.
It feels counter to my instincts but logical. I know from my own experience it is hard to be angry at people who are not angry in return. It is just my childish insecurity that encourages me to always pound my feet and demand attention for my 'rights.' I might be wiser to listen more deeply to what the Buddhists are suggesting. Of course this kind of personal reflection, penance, and contrition is difficult whether it is cloaked in psychological babble or the terms of ancient theologies. No matter how I try there just doesn't seem to be an easy pleasurable way to lose weight.
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