12
/07/2003
113 kg
So now I am reminding myself of feelings that accompany falling off the wagon, when a dieter stops dieting and falls back into his older eating patterns. It is clearly a misguided psychological pattern woven into practical choices made poorly. The more I allow myself to go into this mental state the more deeply I become entrenched. Hopefully, by my watching it closely this time, I can learn the techniques necessary to reverse the trend, and eventually find ways to convert the pain, associated with exercise and restricted eating, with the pleasure, needed to make this new healthier way succeed.
I am not certain why I had such an adverse feeling about getting back into swimming and dancing after the summer. I suppose because it is a big bother to redress twice, interrupt my schedule, and sacrifice the time I could use to prepare for work or do other small tasks I enjoy. I still hate all forms of physical exercise. I do not like particularly to be reminded about my aches and pains, about my physical form (I hate seeing myself in the mirror and being reminded of my weight problem), and there is so much more I love better. So it is extremely easy to overlook an opportunity to exercise, and fill the time with a million and one needed errands or pleasurable distractions.
I was surprised to see how one by one I returned to older favorite food, pre-Atkins high carbohydrate foods and sweet addictions. It was as, I imagine, an alcoholic witnesses themselves, shamefully yet on another level gleefully, returning back to old familiar and comforting patterns... The old friend of sweet surrender and a comforting sadness. Now I have the natural result of such a slide into the soft cloud, the drowning in maternal comforts, and again I feel the self loathing and disappointment that is integral to a downward spiral.
The joyfulness I knew when I was on top of this diet never left me, it was just a much smaller and less developed seedling compared to the larger more familiar patterns of behavior. The initial magic of newness wore off the Atkins diet and I was asked to move on up to the next more difficult level of weight maintenance. At this very moment I can see myself trying to verify the impossibility of dieting so that I can again enjoy the freedom of abandonment to old patterns.
By giving up the responsibility of caring for myself, I will momentarily feel lighter, but, soon after, I will see that once I stop taking responsibility for my choices I feel less confident in my ability to make them. Confidence in myself, my ability to make a plan of action and then carry this plan out is key to successful dieting, as well as in other life arena. Having regained weight lost from a hard fought loss does not build self confidence, though the memory of the wonderful power I gained during my weight loss period is still with me. Reminding myself of the energy that this dieting process can create in my life is a stimulant worth utilizing.
Perhaps tomorrow I will help myself by choosing exercise first, as a priority, and again enjoy the joys of conquering my food and drink addictions. Certainly starting the new year on a happier note, by going back to a complete Atkins fast prior to the Christmas and New Year holidays is a wiser solution than the despair I have known these last few weeks living in my old stagnant patterns.
The Choice is mine to make.
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