Welcome to Dalando's Personal Diet Dairy
For an introduction to this diary begin with the personal statistics page.
10 /18/2003
109 kg
Yesterday I was 110 kg so I assume I am fluctuating steadily around this core weight. I would like now to try and observe more closely where I can catch myself from over-eating successfully, and when and where I allow myself neurotic eating patterns. Somehow I need to not be a casual 'indifferent' observer, but to approach this dieting with eyes wide open. I still feel that part of me doesn't really believe I am capable of mastering my eating habits, nor actually remaining at a sensible weight for a sustained period. There is statistical information that suggests that failure is more common than success when dieting. But do I want to allow myself to be ruled by examples of failure or success?
I eat because I want to stop the discomfort that is under my urges. These urges are not actual hunger pains but a need to distract myself. Part of my self rational for excessive eating is 'perhaps I am not getting the appropriate nutrition, so am therefore hungry'. To counter this 'internal' argument, I take vitamins and allow myself ample opportunities to eat diverse foods. I shop often, giving myself and my family access to many fine, fresh, wholesome foods, often tastefully prepared at the market, eliminating the excuse that I must settle for 'junk food' because I haven't the time or energy to cook 'properly'.
Most recently I have been mixing whole food sources with the Atkins approach. I see that I have an eye now more than ever on the food I eat and this has prevented extremes in weight fluctuation. But the core emotional and social interactions that trigger self-destructive eating needs far more observation.
One question that needs to be answered is why, on returning home to Japan after my holiday in Europe, was I so reluctant to resume dancing and swimming, an activity I was doing quite regularly. This had been a key factor in both my self-diagnosis of needed behavior and verified as helpful with my previous weight loss. On returning I was gently and consistently encouraged by friends, yet I found myself repeatedly refusing my present options for exercise. My son too has been available and in need of companionship, but I have chosen to lose myself inside my 'busy' work and not exploit that opportunity for a walk in fresh air or some other physical activity.
Facing my aversion to exercise is a tedious process. I am like an unruly spoiled child who refuses to do any behavior suggested by others, even those activities that would make his life easier and more fun. Who or what exactly am I resisting? Clearly I need to make time for exercise, in some form or other. This is not a choice among many, either I learn to tune my body or lose my remaining health to the inevitable symptoms of lethargy.
I need to purse the present options for physical movement I have now, swimming (in a lonely pool), dancing (despite feeling always a bit self conscious), and walking (despite feeling always as if it is not fully engaging nor what I really want to be doing) until I can find a more fulfilling relationship with physical activity.
It may be as simple as using my iPod MP3 player while walking to 'justify the loss of time' and listening to self-help tapes. A silly characterization of self but perhaps the kind of silliness that will help me out of my present anti-exercise rut.
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